The seeker and the lover

Most of us, at some other point in time in our lives, feel that we have been treated unfairly. Strangely the feeling of unfair treatment to both the partners in any relationship. The feeling of unfair treatment in a relationship is the most common feeling among human beings. While most of the husbands feel that they have been treated unfairly, the wives also feel so. The same is the feeling among siblings, friends, and colleagues.

Unless we observe with an open mind, we are not going to find an answer to this complex question. First of all, we need to understand that we all are selfish with different self-interests. Self-interest depends upon what we seek in life. Some of us simply seek to have fun and entertainment. Some of us seek materialistic possessions such as money and properties, while others are more interested in intangibles such as power and positions. Few have intellectual pursuits and still fewer have spiritual pursuits. 

Whatever the pursuit or seeking, decides the value we assign to different things. For example, reading books may have very little value to a person who is seeking fun and entertainment. Similarly for a person interested in intellectual pursuit, fun and entertainment has little value. For a spiritual seeker, meditation or Satsang may be of greater value as compared to reading books. Thus, different people assign different values to different things in their lives.

In a relationship, an exchange of tangibles and intangibles is always taking place. Both are giving something to the partner and seeking something in exchange. The challenge is that both have different mental values of different things. The giver may feel that he is giving something of great value to his partner while the taker may feel that it has very little value. For example, in a relationship between an intellectual and a spiritual seeker, the intellectual may be disseminating all his gathered knowledge that may have very little value for the spiritual seeker. Similarly, the spiritual seeker may tell about all his spiritual experiences to the intellectual that may carry no value to the intellectual. Similarly, a person pursuing fun and entertainment may find no value in the spiritual discourses and similarly, a person pursuing spirituality may find no value in the fun and entertainment. That is probably the reason for dissatisfaction in most relationships. Partners assign different values to different things. That is why each of the partners feels an unfair treatment by the other partner. 

If we wish to really go into the root of the issue, probably, we need to look at the cause of this seeking. Isn't there a sense of unfulfillment among all of us. Due to that feeling of emptiness within, we seek fulfillment in the outer world. We seek fulfillment in different things. So long we get the desired fulfillment from a partner in a relationship, we feel happy and as soon as the partner fails to provide the required dose of fulfillment, we become dissatisfied and the relationship starts appearing unfair to us. We hardly realize that it is our expectation from the relationship that is making us dissatisfied. There is always a possibility that the partner is giving his most valuable possession and we assign no value to that. 

Probably, all the relationships in this selfish world are shallow and remain satisfactory only so long as they are not tested by time. Only those relationships can stand the test of time which are not based on expectations. That can happen only when both partners are equally connected internally with their real selves and as a result, realize the futility of all the seekings. In such relationships, there will be no expectations. In such relationships, there will be no feeling of unfairness. These relationships are based upon the foundation of love. The partner is just an extension of the self and not somebody different. We have many such examples in our history such as the relationship between Rama and Bharata, Hanuman and Rama, Krishna and Radha, and Ramakrishna and Vivekananda. 

So long as a person is seeking, something or the other, it is very difficult for him to form a true relationship. The relationship till that time will always be evaluated in terms of the fulfillment of the expectations by the partner. An internally disconnected soul would always be seeking one or the other thing in this world. As a person connects internally, the foundation of the relationship moves away from expectations to unconditional love. However, in the entire history and mythology, it is difficult to find an example of a strong relationship between a seeker and a lover. It is like the cancelation of two waves moving in opposite directions. The strongest of the examples of beautiful relationships are always two lovers moving in the same direction.